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Sussex Trailed

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Awakening

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Black Dog

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Swimmy

Dante

Twilight

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Email Received

“sixty guaranteed erection for only $59.95 gives you thunder hard super massive penis pill

“Thunder Hard Super Massive Penis Pill

“Harder Erections Thunderous Climax
Sixty Guaranteed Erection Pills $59.95”

Reply:

Dear Karena,

So sorry to note that your punctuation keys seem to have malfunctioned.

A couple of questions here:

1.
I don’t understand “Thunder” hard. Thunder describes sound. Do you mean, like, REALLY hard sound? And if that’s it, do you mean, like, ‘hard’ to listen to sound, like Morrissey, or ‘hard’ like a ‘tough’ or ‘mean’ sound that you wouldn’t wanna mess with – like Chuck Norris yawning or something?

2.
When you say ‘harder’ erections, do you mean harder to acheive? Or harder like other erections wouldn’t wanna mess with them? Or harder as in got a boner like a banker after a Conservative election victory?

3.
When you say, “Sixty guaranteed erection for only $59.95” does that mean I can get, like, each erection for a dollar? As prices go, that’s possibly a little steep. Or, maybe, if I were sixty, I could get one erection for $59.95? Hardly seems worth it to be honest. At sixty, I imagine I’d prefer to spend the money on something a little more practical and longer lasting. Like a warm sweater or a really, REALLY, good book.

I presume by your name, Karena, that you are a lady-type person. Perhaps you weren’t aware that spontaneous, often inconvenient, erections happen anyway. And that these happen (usually) without any financial transaction taking place.

4.
Um. “Super”? Do you mean ‘super’ as in, “Gosh, that’s a frightfully super erection you have there, Tarquin!” or ‘super’ as in, “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Superpenis!”?

5.
“Massive”? as in Mount Massive in Colorado? That’s 4,398.4m high! How would I afford the extension to the house?
Or ‘massive’ as in patholgy: ‘Affecting a large area of bodily tissue; widespread and severe.’ Like massive gangrene or something?
Really, dear, you should be a little more specific.

In summary, I think you should go to the ‘penis’ in your ‘big office’ (sp? [‘orifice’, perhaps…?]) and ask him for english lessons… or much better translation software.

In the meantime, I’ll keep hold of my GBP equivalent of $59.95 for when Cameron drops another stealth tax on us.

Cheerio,

Dante

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