Brighton, UK

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Still Standing

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Sussex Trailed

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Black Dog

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With My Buddy

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The Queen of White Water

Excerpt from: ‘Queen of the White Water

(by Tripton Felle)

The Queen of Clingtown sat by the Lake of White Water, (which, in her view, had paid for itself many times over in the past), with her companions, Monia, the maidserver-ant, Hawk, her ‘special’ adviser, and ‘The Brain’, the court jester.

After a long day’s hunting for Fund-beasts, she was a bit Wobbly and Tired.

“Well, I’m Exhausted,” she stated, “If only I could have had Two-More.

“Never mind”, she shrugged, “we can always fish here for some Deep Lori-bulls to stock our Basket.”

“But, we did get Two-More,” said Monia, “Just like you said we must. Look here they are!”

And Monia held up the extra Fund-beasts.

The Queen glared at her in that ‘special’ way she had, saying, “If I say something is so, then it must be so, you impertinent little bug. Your Queen is incapable of lying – by my oath!”

And Monia accidentally hung herself, by accident, with a rope she hadn’t realised she’d always, accidentally, had around her neck (…just in case her car had, maybe, needed a tow some day. I mean, you never know, do you? And it pays to be prepared, doesn’t it? ).

“No-one holds up Fund-beasts that I put so much effort into securing”, the Queen growled, “Just as well those ‘Funds’ she had fell straight into my lap or I would have been… Upset. And you know what happens when I get… Upset.”

At that very moment, six miles away, a farmer, who had once secretly told his wife that he wasn’t all that keen on the way the Queen behaved, found himself unable to open his parachute. How the world had adjusted itself to the point that he suddenly found himself falling through the air with sub-standard equipment, he would never know. He had only stepped out to fetch water.

Then, Queen of the White Water pouted, “But, now, I might have to get a New Monia.”

Then, a sudden thought struck her, “And where is my strapping bodyguard, Gazi?”

The Brain raised a shaky hand, “You sent him back to the fort to guard your personal server-ants, Milady.”

The Queen,s jaw dropped and she fixed The Brain with her shockingly wide eyes, shaking her head repeatedly in a most unnerving way.

“You mean Gazi is left babysitting a besieged fort? Didn’t anyone warn him it was going to be attacked?”

Hawk spoke up, “Well, no, because you told us…”

He was interrupted by his mistress having a (very uncharacteristic) coughing fit.

Once the Fit had subsided, the Queen sighed, “Ah well. Poor Ben. There was nothing we could have done, I suppose.”

“Um…” mumbled The Brain, cautiously, “Weren’t we actually warned that…?”

The Queen’s glare cut him short and he was surprised to find he had suffered a tree-chopping accident when an axe, which he didn’t recall owning slipped out of his hands and buried itself in the small of his back.

He decided to lie down where he was and try to be quiet.

The Hawk spoke up, “It seems Brain’s a bit damaged but should be functional enough to get us where we’re going.”

But Queenie was trying to think…

“I’m worried about my server-ants,” she purred, dribbling a little, “What if they are captured and tell our foes The Way We’re All Headed?”

Hawk winced, “To be fair, it’s not like our course isn’t obvious to those who have the gumption to look… what with way we’ve been Powering-Through, leaving a trail of Helpful-but-Accident-Prone peasants. Not to mention the remains of the Fund-beasts you’ve been poaching.”

The White Water Queen appeared to come to a decision.

“Hawk, you’ve always been my best-est and most popular representative. I need you to go back and make sure none of the server-ants tell anyone anything.”

Hawk narrowed his eyes, “You don’t mean…?”

“I mean: Delete them all!”

“I may have to create some minor distractions on the way, ma’am. You know, a couple of wars, a bombing or two – just to fog things up a bit, you understand…?”

The Queen met his eyes and began to cackle maniacally…

One hour and twenty minutes later, she recovered and sent Hawk on his way.

“Vade, vide, occide, my faithful friend,” she murmured.

After a couple of stumbles, falls, and a sudden, (but brief), bout of hay-fever, she got to her feet and, taking Brain by the ankle, made to continue her journey to The Ultimate Goal.

Three steps later, she dropped Brain and flung her hands up in frustration calling out to the world in general:

“Darn it! Anyone seen my other shoe?”

(to be continued…)

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