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With My Buddy

By Moonshine

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To My Younger Self?

I want to explain to you how hard it is to see you going through what you are going through right now.

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I want you, first and foremost, to know I love you absolutely unconditionally. You make me so proud I could burst. I’m not joking.

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You are witty, creative and intelligent and, even more importantly, behind any mask and shield you use to protect yourself from being exposed or hurt, (we ALL have them, not just you), you are an extremely caring and sensitive human being.

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I’ve seen you try so hard to hold it together and do the right thing in the face of all those impulses, compulsions and demanding influences in your life.

I’ve been there. You know I was tarred by the same kind of brush as a kid – always the one in trouble and always the one presumed to be the cause of trouble.

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Sometimes, well, to be honest, often, I was the cause of trouble.

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A lot of the time I think it was because there was this feeling like an empty hole in my middle that I was trying to fill with something… anything… that would stop it feeling like vacuum.

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I would cry myself to sleep sometimes asking: why is it always me? Or, why do I keep making these stupid decisions and ‘letting everyone down’, (as my parents would tell me)?

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I wanted to love and I wanted to be loved – but I resented feeling love – it was painful because I couldn’t be sure, with all the judging and punishments going on, that I *was* really loved, because who could realistically keep hold of any love for a long-time trouble-causer like me who kept pissing everybody off?

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Or, maybe I understood that I actually was loved, but only reluctantly loved – or loved with difficulty because of my behaviour. Loved by people who would rather they didn’t have to feel it.

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It’s a shitty feeling that gives you an unconscious distrust of anyone who says they love you.

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Well, you know pretty well how things turned out with my family. I would hate to see that happen to you. It would break my heart.

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So, what do I know now that I didn’t then?

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I keep racking my brains for ways to help you and show you what I have learned from painful experience so that, maybe, you won’t have to go through everything I had to to learn it. It’s kind of ‘a dad thing’, I suppose.

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You’re probably sick of that spiel from me about ‘choices’, ‘consequences’; about what you can be responsible for and what you have to leave to others, etc, etc, on and on and on…

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I can even picture you rolling your eyes when you read that.

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But it is so true that the only changes you can make are to yourself.

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Other people might change because of what you do – but only because they choose to change themselves in response to what you do.

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And people can change themselves to be negative towards you very quickly if you upset them or hurt them.

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Unfortunately, reversing that takes much, much longer because bad reputations are way more difficult to lose than good ones and condemning is far easier than forgiving.

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So, try, every single minute, in every single moment of decision of every day to ‘be that change’, buddy. I have no doubt in my heart about your strength of your heart and your character to be able to do that.

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It’s easy to show how tough we can be. To be tough just takes an ability to take a beating.

True intelligence and heart is shown by knowing what, in life, is worth taking a beating for.

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Focus on setting your own heart and your own values right and let other people take care of their own.

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And even when you know you are right, that doesn’t mean you have to prove it or try so hard to persuade other people you are. It may sound crazy but it is sometimes a sound tactic to refuse, or even lose, a battle in order to win a war.

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Sometimes, being ‘right-hearted’ is all the affirmation and reward you will get – or need – even if it is only you who recognises it.

Hold to that.

All else follows, buddy.

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